


The Great Coffee Debate

by melodicchaos



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: I don’t mean to offend anyone, It just seems canon, M/M, also Starbucks is the worst I’m sorry if that’s all you have
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodicchaos/pseuds/melodicchaos
Summary: What started as a simple Haus 2.0 debate about the best North Eastern coffee chain quickly spiraled into a full blown Haus turf war over the best coffee chain: Dunkin’ Donuts, Tim Horton’s, or Starbucks.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69





	The Great Coffee Debate

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t meant to offend anyone! It’s just some good wholesome fun about SMH being dumb, based off a conversation I had with my friend who lives in upstate New York. Also, I’m with Shitty, Lardo, and Dex — Dunkin’ is the best, and it’s probably my Massachusetts blood, but it’s the best. I haven’t tried Tim Horton’s, so I can’t say anything on that, but Starbucks is gross to me and I love coffee. Let me know where y’all stand!

If there were two things people in the North East were passionate about, it would be their sports and their choice of chain coffee shop. While most people preferred Dunkin’ Donuts, there was a select group that preferred Tim Hortons, or worse -- Starbucks. 

“There’s literally no place to get good coffee around here,” Ransom commented one afternoon, tossing down a controller to the XBox. “I mean, without paying five dollars for some bullshit latte.” 

Shitty glanced up from his law textbook, a Dunkins cup beside him. “Brah, the fuck are you talking about? Dunks is the fucking best, what shit do you drink?” 

“Tim Hortons,” Ransom and Holster said in unison, without missing a beat.

“Dunkin’ Donuts is terrible, dude,” Holster added. “You want to pay three dollars for some shitty coffee? Really?” 

“You can pay for some cheap ass coffee all you want, but Dunks’ is superior,” Lardo interjected, not looking up from her sketchbook. 

“You two are brainwashed,” Ransom muttered, picking up a controller. 

“No, you are!” Lardo shot back, tossing her pencil at Ransom’s head. 

“We need an unbiased opinion on this,” Holster sighed, as the pencil that was intended for Ransom hit him right in the ear. “Ow! What the fuck?” 

“That was meant for Rans, sorry.”

The debate did not end at just Haus 2.0. Rather, it carried over to the Haus, where the debate was only fueled. 

“Dunkins is so much better!” Dex cried, tossing his pen down. 

“You live in Maine and you’re choosing that burnt shit over Timmy’s?” Holster scoffed. “Pathetic.”

“Because it’s fucking better!” Shitty yelled, sitting on the arm of the couch. 

“Jack,” Ransom started as Jack walked in the front door of the Haus. “One Canadian to another, what's the best coffee chain?” he asked, winking at Holster slightly. 

Jack glanced around at the group before him, wondering where the hell Bitty was and why he had to get wrapped up in this mess and not the blond. “Uh..Tim Horton’s, I guess, but I just make coffee at home, most of the time,” Jack shrugged. 

“Ha! Eat shit, you fucking Massholes!” Holster grinned, taking a piece of Bitty’s pie from the pan. 

Chowder looked up from his laptop, blinking a few times. “All of you are wrong. Starbucks is the best!” he smiled, taking a bite of his pie. 

“What the fuck did you just say?” Shitty asked, just as Bitty came running down the stairs. 

“Oh, sorry I’m late, honey,” he sighed, kissing Jack on the cheek. “I just wanted to get cleaned up—what’re y’all talking about? What’re y’all doing here?” he asked. 

“One, fine!” Ransom smirked, holding out his hand for Bitty to place a five dollar bill in his palm, which he placed in the jar. “Two, which coffee chain is the best. Holtzy, Jack, and I are of the superior taste, which is that Tim Horton’s is the best. Shitty, Lardo, and Dex are idiots and think Dunkin’ Donuts is better. And Chowder is completely invalid because he thinks Starbucks is even an option.” 

“It’s good!” Chowder cried, only to get kicked in the side. “Ow!” 

Bitty’s cheeks and ears flushed a bright red as he leaned into Jack. “I don’t think Starbucks is that bad,” he murmured, before seeing the horror and disgust on his friends’ faces. “It’s all we have! I don’t get it often when I’m back home, I try and go to local coffee shops.”

“He’s even worse!” Holster sighed, setting his plate down in disgust. “Paying five dollars for a cup of coffee? Highway robbery.” 

“I’m supporting a small business!” Bitty shot back. 

“I swear to fucking god, the only people worse than fucking Tim Horton’s people are Starbucks people,” Shitty scoffed. 

“Seriously, why are you paying so much for burnt coffee?” Ransom asked. 

“It’s not burnt, it’s an acquired taste,” Nursey said, finally adding his two cents into the conversation. “It’s stronger than the weak ass Dunkin’ or Tim Horton’s coffee.” 

“I’m so disappointed in you,” Shitty sighed, looking over at Nursey. “You went to a Andover and you still have have god-fucking-awful taste in coffee? Pathetic.”

Nursey let out a scoff, tossing a pillow at Shitty. “Chill, brah. You’re the one with bad taste in coffee.”

Before everyone knew it, everyone’s taste in coffee had become a full on turf war. While Starbucks was in the lead — Tango, Whiskey, and Ford all were in favor of the West Coast chain in addition to Bitty, Chowder, and Nursey — Team Dunkin’ Donuts and Team Tim Horton’s were still putting up a strong fight. It was at the point where the groups couldn’t be in the same room as each other without hurling insults about their coffee preferences, with Dunkin’ and Tim Horton’s ganging up against Starbucks. 

“Y’all!” Bitty cried, eventually cracking under the pressure of not being able to be around his friends. It had taken himself, Jack, Lardo, and Ford to get everyone to gather together, and everyone still looked unhappy. “This is ridiculous. Look at us! We’re literally fighting over what? Coffee? Honestly, is this what y’all are focusing on? Not the fact that we have jobs and playoffs to train for?” 

“It’s pathetic. You’re fighting like a bunch of little boys over who has the coolest truck or the biggest dinosaur figurine,” Ford added, her arms crossed over her chest. 

“Coffee is coffee, most of us need it to function, despite the fact that it’s terrible for our bodies, and half the time y’all’re drinking the coffee from Jerry’s or the dining hall and you’re fine so I don’t even want to hear it,” Bitty said firmly. “As captain, starting now, any more conversation about which coffee chain is best will result in a fine. Understood?”

The room was filled with murmurs of agreement, before Bitty smiled brightly. “Good. Now, y’all can help yourselves.” 

“Besides,” Ford shrugged. “Coffee isn’t even that good. Tea is much better.”

The Haus, for the first time since it was built, was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop as a group of thirty hockey players turned to stare at the current manager. 

Ford looked around, puzzled. “What?” 

Lardo sighed, rubbing her temples. “Nope, we’re not doing this again. Come eat.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos aren’t necessary, but are greatly appreciated!


End file.
